his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
