dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Randomize
