just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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