Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
