I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Randomize
