dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
