I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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