Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Randomize
