You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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