I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
