I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize
