oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Randomize
