R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
