omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
