I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Randomize
