Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
foreskin is a definite game changer
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
