i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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