cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Randomize
