I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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