just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
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