Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
