They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
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