only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Randomize
