No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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