There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
