Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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