When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
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