DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Define "chronic" masturbator.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Randomize
