Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
