Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize