If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
