Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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