Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
