You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
