Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Randomize
