I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
