Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
