I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
