I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Randomize