There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Randomize
