i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
