Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
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