Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
