i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Randomize
