Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
