What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
