i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Randomize