I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
