yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
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