bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
