Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
