How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Randomize
