Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
