I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
