I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
