I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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