I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
