Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Randomize
