Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
