THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
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