I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
